Kind of a rant (from a chick who’s sick of being called “Sir”)
I’ve been a tomboy ever since I can remember: I grew up with two brothers, one four years younger and one four years older, and as a typical middle child fighting for attention, I’ve always been more outspoken, rough, and tumble than they were. I have a terrible memory, probably because I'm overcoming a severe addicted to marijuana (which you may think isn’t possible: you’re wrong), and I've forgotten a lot of things that have happened in my younger years; but I haven’t forgotten the first time I was misgendered.
I was at Costco with my dad and brothers. The guy at the door who was doing that thing where they look at the check to make sure you don’t steal said, “wow, you’ve got three sons!” probably trying to comment on what a handful we must be. My dad moved to correct him, and the dude still didn’t get it right, assuming that my little brother, who must have been 3 or 4 at the time, was the girl and that I was a boy. I was so young when that happened, but I still don’t forget it because I remember how it made me feel. I felt really, really weird. At the time I was young and I didn’t think it bothered me, but the fact that I still haven’t forgotten says otherwise.
Now I’m 20 years old, and since I made the decision to have a short haircut last year, I’ve had to learn the hard way what it’s like to get misgendered on the frequent: it feels just as bad and confusing as it did when I was that little kid who had her dad by her side to defend her.
Shaving my head seemed like no big deal in my mind. I’m really fucking lazy and have never been satisfied with my appearance, so this seemed like a way to shorten my routine and maximize convenience. When I looked in the mirror after the cut, I felt so, so happy. I felt like I was doing something different, something that made me feel more myself. Individuality is what makes me feel most confident and comfortable, and I’ve always found refuge in fashion and style as a way to cope with being dissatisfied with my physical appearance. As a bald-o, I felt empowered as fuck. But I didn’t expect the reaction I got from my family. My little brother refused to talk to me for over a month. My dad told my mom I got a “butch” cut. The stereotypes affiliated with my decision started with my family, and only continued once I got back to school.
We all knew tomboys when we were kids. A lot of us were them; pre smartphone age, we were mobbing up trees and sprinting around the park barefoot in our brothers’ hand me downs and eating shit and covering our scrapes with funny cartoon band aids. Those girls didn’t disappear when they grew up; a lot of them just learned to combine their strength with a feminine touch. As much as I’ve tried to force myself to embrace my womanhood, that’s just not who I am, and I'm okay with that. I don’t own makeup or dress to look hot, I’m afraid of flirting, I execute basic hygiene at most, and I wear predominantly mens clothing because it’s way more comfortable and way cooler than the girls selection. Being feminine is just not even remotely in my realm of interest. That’s okay, and I think everybody else also thinks that’s okay. I’m sure a lot of you reading this can relate to what I’m saying, so I hope this doesn’t come across as me trying to express how different I am. My issue is not that people don’t accept or understand the existence of boyish girls; my issue is with people assuming things about me, or girls like me, based on nothing but a short haircut and boyish style.
Since my shave, I’ve been called “sir” more times than I can count on my hand. Being misgendered feels like shit. It feels like you’re doing something wrong. It feels like you need to change. You think about it all day. And the day after. You remember it weeks later when you’re trying to fall asleep. It makes me wish I could grow my hair back out and wear a dress and be hot just so I don’t have to be called “sir” ever again. You feel like it’s your fault because you’ve built your own appearance and shouldn’t blame others for just referring to the conventions of what they’re seeing. We all just want to feel validated as human beings, and it’s really hard to be yourself when you’re afraid people are just going to assume things about you based on a surface level evaluation.
On top of the misgendering, people (and probably my parents) also assume my sexuality. Like, we’re talking ALL THE TIME. Being a tomboy feels like it’s associated with/indistinguishable from lesbianism, which I think is stupid. *Sarcastic tone* News flash people, girls with short hair who wear dude pants CAN be attracted to dudes (crowd gasps). I know, really groundbreaking stuff right here. I’m sick of annoying comments about my sexuality, especially since I’m not a lesbian, and especially when they come from people I barely know at parties who think it’s okay to tell me I’m the “only other gay in the room” or that they can’t believe I think a guy in a band is hot, excetera excetera excetera, the list FLIES on. Outward expression has the power to say a lot about a person, but that expression doesn’t need to lead to assumptions.
Gender or sexuality stereotypes are dumb. So, if it’s not too much to ask, just throw that shit out the window and appreciate people's individuality. Don’t assume every person wearing dickies and a hoodie is a dude; don’t assume every short haired girl is a lesbian; we’re all just trying to be ourselves out here. People shouldn’t have to conform to feel comfortable and confident. Let your individuality be your source of confidence.