This feeling of stagnancy, boredom, and superficiality.
I’ve been here before I swear it’s Deja Vu.
What do I want?
I want to live in the present.
I want to accept where I am now and how far I’ve come from my past.
I want to allow myself to be vulnerable - to let myself & others in.
No one knows me, not even myself.
I’m familiar with myself of course.
Familiar with the superficial mask I used to wear as protection.
The delusion still fits snugly on my face.
So tight that I can’t take it off.
What’s underneath? More importantly...who?
Is it the overachieving high schooler trying desperately to escape?
The low-performing college student struggling to be complacent with stillness?
The shy insecure kid that has no clue what to do except to keep moving forward?
Or is it the overconfident and powerhouse of a Queer Black Boy that won’t let anyone or anything get in his way? I don’t know.
I parade around as if I have everything figured out. I don’t.
I don’t know who I am or what I want.
But all I know is that I will get there.
I don’t have to fix myself to know myself.
But I do need to understand myself in order to better myself.
Time to stop running from myself.
I’m scared of who is actually looking back at me in the mirror,
But it’s time to stare back.
Listening To: Deja Vu by Beyonce Knowles
———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
Follow Louis on Instagram at @fablouis__ and Twitter @fabstrology